I wasn't prepared for this...

When I decided a few years ago to become a stay at home I knew it would present some challenges. At that time my friends didn't have kids yet so I was going to be the first to experience this wonderful stage of parenthood. I basically took one for the team, and volunteered happily. I remember being excited and full of ideas on how to be awesome at my new role.My kids were all in school, we had three at the time. Most of my days were filled with preparing for the evening alone, coffee dates with my best friend, going to the gym. I also had time to do things like my hair, shut the bathroom door, drink hot coffee... simple things really. As we planned to grow our family I was so overjoyed to get this second chance and not miss out on the things I missed with the older ones. Plus, babies. I LOVE babies!

Here we are with five kids now, teens to infants. I still love being home and raising my family. I started this blog and took on other hobbies for some "me" time. Some days though, it's hard. Like really hard, I'm not gonna lie. I love to read the fun blog posts, and some are more serious, about "things nobody told me about being a SAHM." Most of the time I can relate (and laugh along) to every single thing on the list. Lately I've been under some different stress so I'm bit emotional and take them to heart. I feel the frustration in these bloggers posts, I'm right there saying, "yes, yes mama! same here!" as I sip my wine. There are so many things nobody said to me, maybe because I was the first of my group to take the leap. I'm not saying that all of the things I've learned along the way are bad and stressful. I have gained so much from watching my family grow and not missing a beat. Here's the thing, I never miss a beat. I'm here for everything, as in I'm always here. For every tantrum, fit, diaper, earache, missing assignment, sleepless night, all the teething, he said/she said, unattended marker on the table... You see where I'm going with this? There are days when I want to jump in my car when I see my husband turn the corner. Except I don't for two reasons, I've missed him all day and I'm still in my pj's from the night before most days. My husband encourages me to take time for myself and get out to enjoy a quiet car ride or coffee with friends. I take him up on that every once in a while, but I also have a hard time leaving knowing that I'm needed by my teething baby at home.

Also, I was never told that I would grow to be so frustrated with the things I actually enjoy the most. I also never knew that was possible. I love being a stay at home mom more than anything I've ever done in my life. I also get so overwhelmed and frustrated with the thought of doing the same thing all over again tomorrow. Just when I get to my breaking point and feel like I wasn't cut out for this and that my fuse is too short for no real reason somebody does something that melts my heart. Something that reminds me why this was a life goal for me, to raise a big family. I know I'm lucky to be home, so don't take this post as complaining. Like most parents, I just need a moment to catch my breath and regroup.

I am never in a room alone for more than a few minutes. My toddler is a mama's boy and follows me all day. He also won't leave my bed. I want to sleep without a baby hanging off my neck. One day I know he will be in his bed... and not next to me. I won't hear "I'm your baby" in my ear every single night as he drifts off. My youngest is very much attached to me too. I know it changes eventually and I know I will miss these moments. Even if it feels like the weight of five kids is literally on my lap. Ok, maybe just two kids actually on me... I missed out on being home 24/7 before, so even having older kids before these babies I didn't realize this was something all stay at home parents go through. It's like a roller coaster of emotion coming from them, and myself.

Of all the things I am always here to deal with alone, like arguing teens, missed naps, meltdowns over a specific missing lego, I know there are so many more things I wouldn't miss for the world. The little voice yelling "mama" into the monitor, the excitement of my toddlers face when he finds a frog, watching them finally master something new, first steps, rocking a sleeping baby, hearing I love you all day, my teens trusting that I'll always be here to listen... mostly, just being here with them always.



One day it will be my husband and I looking back at all of this (over cocktails on a beach), knowing we accomplished so much in such a short time. These kids are growing up fast, I wouldn't want to miss it. I just wish somebody would've told me to brace myself for this crazy life. Not that a warning would've even helped me to understand what I was in for. I am still learning to embrace the chaos and soak up the little moments along the way. The peaceful breaks in our day where I can watch my kids enjoy our home and life together, (with hot coffee) remind me why I love being home with my family.